So what do you do? ...

My friend Phil wrote this, and sent it to me. I can completely identify with his words and I appreciate his honesty and genuine expression. Reading this caused me to tear up. There is great joy, and fulfillment in my work and there is a peace that is unexplainable unless experienced. This is where I believe God is present, in the sacred moments where he is working through His earthly body and through human relationship.

Phils words:

“What do you do?” is a question I never like to hear, and never know how to answer. When I try to answer it I usually get the same responses. The first response is a surprised “oh…” followed by the silence and contemplation that I can either read minds (I can’t) or that I myself am a basket case (I’m not). Another common response is a surprised “oh…” followed by the curious question of “what made you want to do that?” as if they have just discovered that I indeed am a basket case and would like to know how to save their children from a similar fate. The third response I get is my favorite, and by favorite I mean the one hate and hear the most. “Are you married?” (I’m not) followed by a surprised “oh…Doesn’t it help to be married?” (It doesn’t).

Now from this point it feels like no matter what I say falls on deaf ears. Their minds are made up this kid does not know what he is talking about, and I would be lying if I said that it didn’t bother me. To be honest it feels like the only people that understand what I do are the people that do it as well. I think that’s why I don’t know how to answer the question of what I do, because no matter what title I use or description I give, I still don’t believe people know what I do. For that reason it’s not easy to talk about my professional life. Most of it is confidential in nature to begin with and terms like “burn out” and “self care” are often not understood by common ears. Work is something you talk about at work, or with people in the same line of work, but even then the topic weighs heavy and you either feel bad for bringing it up or don’t have the energy to talk about it. So what do I do? To fit a title I’m a therapist; not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or shrink. More specifically I’m a marriage and family therapist, but that is merely a title and I still have not said what I do. First off, don’t let the title fool you. This is where the misunderstanding begins because my work is not limited to its title. I work with individuals, couples, families, groups, kids, teenagers, adults, alcoholics, addicts, criminals, or simply just people. I work with people with the understanding of the systemic power of the family. And still, I have not explained what I do. In my attempt to convey what I do, I feel as if I am doing the field a disservice because I do not feel that my meager words can begin to describe what happens in a room filled with silent confidentiality and a seat reserved for the broken. In my explanation I offer no definitive understanding or universal truth for my profession. Instead I offer a glimpse from my own perspective of what I do and the things I sit silently with, at work and in my life.

I hold hope.

I can’t think of a better way to explain it, and maybe it’s because I don’t know what else to do. I sit and listen to stories of people’s worlds crashing down; I hear about abuse, heartbreak, violence, abandonment, divorce, death, suicide, despair and hopelessness. I listen to the stories that not even Hollywood could write. I hear despair and sit silently while people bare their broken hearts and cry into their empty hands. I sit with the hopeless and hold hope because the circumstances of their lives make it hard to believe in. Any theory, question, or intervention I may use I consider meaningless without hope. I sit with the despairing and discouraged with the absolute belief that things can get better. When things are bleak and continue to get worse, as their worlds crumbles around them, I hold hope. I hold onto the hope that people can change, their circumstances can change, and despite where they are now, the power of human persistence and perseverance can prevail."

Thanks phil :)

I hold onto Living Hope. It is the only way I can do what I do. . I find great peace in knowing that God goes before me and is present with me in every moment using me as a way to promote healing and hope in the lives of my clients. Jesus is the way that I hold hope. I realize that my time with clients is only a chapter in their life story. I know that during their time with me I may not always see growth, change or healing; and it is my faith that allows me to be at peace with this reality. Trusting in God, His enduring presence, and intricate plans for people’s lives allows me to embrace a Kingdom perspective in serving people.

Maiden Voyage to Bainbridge

My first trip to Bainbridge Island was awesome! I cannot believe I have been in seattle for 7 years and have never been. Such a quaint, cute and beautiful town with some great hidden hotspots. Kristine decided to share her secret "date spot" with me and Camille for Valentines day weekend. Relaxing, hilarious, much needed time with ladies I love :)

Peace

Ok, I realize that a lot of my posts contain lyrics to songs... but music moves me to my core. Listening to music opens my mind to thought, and it is a gateway to me processing emotion. I guess it is one thing that opens up things that are "on my heart" :)

So Im paper writing, feeling stressed (to say the least), and working on getting some balance back in my life. This song comes on my itunes...

Even Then: Nichole Nordeman

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

So, thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then

So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it and we don't need to ...

So Im taking a sip of my coffee, and a deep breath. It truly is all good :)

An Unexpected Red Light

Nothing feels better than driving freely at your own pace, but eventually you come to a light. Red lights force you to stop. if you don't stop you run the risk of getting hit or hitting another. Although sometimes frustrating, red lights give you a moment to pause, look around, take in your surroundings, and just be. Red lights throw me off of my schedule, and make me think i will be even later. But whose time schedule am I on? My stops at red lights sometimes hurt, but I am always retrospectively grateful for them and the One who changes the light from yellow to red. Its time to step on the brake, gain some perspective, change the radio station, roll down the windows...and find JOY while im stopped at an unexpected red light.

It isn't the middle of the night,
it isn't even raining outside,
it isn't exactly what I had in mind

Im at a red light,
in the sunshine,
on a sunday,
nothing to say, dont even try.
some are coming home,
some are leaving town,
while my world crashing down,
on a Sunday,
in the sunshine,
at a red light.

Theres a momma calming down a baby in the backseat, in front of me,
Theres an old man dressed in his sunday best just waiting on green,
but I want to get past...

This red light,
in the sunshine,
on a sunday,
nothing to say, dont even try.
some are coming home,
some are leaving town,
while my worlds crashing down,
on a sunday... in the sunshine ...at a red light.

Let Him

Learning a few big lessons in my life as of late. Well, let me be clear… this is not the first time these lessons have been presented to me, but lets face it: some lessons in life require lots of time to learn. Thank goodness that my Teacher has divine patience in my delayed learning curve.

I struggle with the need to take action, fix things, and clinging to a sense of control. Along with this, I have a very analytical, reflective mind that seeks answers. I do not sit well with not knowing, understanding or an inability to come to concrete conclusions. I see these attributes of myself as “strength-weaknesses” A wise friend once told me that an unguarded strength is a double weakness, and it is SO true. All of these traits can be strengths when kept in check, but in certain areas of my life these things have presented challenges. The two main intersecting areas: my faith and my work as a therapist. These are big, central aspects of myself that require me to embrace tension daily. It is not my job to “fix” or know the answer. Although society and western culture tells me that the definition of success lies in results and outcome; God tells me that success is found in Him. It is my job to come alongside people in their struggles, be fully present and know that each moment is part of God’s grand overarching story.

I’m working on letting God be bigger; much, MUCH bigger than me. It is my daily goal to harbor a Kingdom perspective, and know that my gifts are being used for His ultimate good. My work, school, and relationships (pretty much every aspect of my life) cannot be lived abundantly unless His power is continually being made perfect in my weakness.

Ellen brings me joy!

Ok, confession... I love watching Ellen! she is hilarious and she is over 50 and can still bust a move! fast forward a little to get to her dance... being Ellen for halloween would be a hoot!

Im Back.... take 2??? :)

Ok, I really do want to blog! life gets a little crazy; but, no excuses... this is something I enjoy, so I am going to make time for it. This is an excerpt from Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. Thought provoking... great imagery, beautifully written.

"It's a living book, this life; it folds out in a million settings, cast with a billion beautiful characters, and it is almost over for you. It doesn't matter how old you are; it is coming to a close quickly, and soon the credits will roll and all your friends will fold out of your funeral and drive back to their homes in cold and still and silence. And they will make a fire and pour some wine and think about how you once were....and feel a kind of sickness at the idea you never again will be.

So soon you will be in that part of the book where you are holding the bulk of the pages in your left hand, and only a thin wisp of the story in your right. You will know by the page count, not by the narrative, that the Author is wrapping things up. You begin to mourn its ending, and want to pace yourself slowly toward its closure, knowing the last lines will speak of something beautiful, of the end of something long and earned, and you hope the thing closes out like last breaths, like whispers about how much and who the characters have come to love, and how authentic the sentiments feel when they have earned a hundred pages of qualification.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."