Peace

Ok, I realize that a lot of my posts contain lyrics to songs... but music moves me to my core. Listening to music opens my mind to thought, and it is a gateway to me processing emotion. I guess it is one thing that opens up things that are "on my heart" :)

So Im paper writing, feeling stressed (to say the least), and working on getting some balance back in my life. This song comes on my itunes...

Even Then: Nichole Nordeman

It's a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I've got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

So, thank You, Jesus
Even when You see us just as we are
Fragile and frail and so far
From who we want to be
So, thank You, Jesus
Even when the pieces are broken and small
Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind
Thank You, even then

So I put aside the masquerade
And admit that I am not okay
Which may not be the thing to say
But I'm not ashamed to need You more each day

We raise the standard and try to reach You
But we'll never make it and we don't need to ...

So Im taking a sip of my coffee, and a deep breath. It truly is all good :)

An Unexpected Red Light

Nothing feels better than driving freely at your own pace, but eventually you come to a light. Red lights force you to stop. if you don't stop you run the risk of getting hit or hitting another. Although sometimes frustrating, red lights give you a moment to pause, look around, take in your surroundings, and just be. Red lights throw me off of my schedule, and make me think i will be even later. But whose time schedule am I on? My stops at red lights sometimes hurt, but I am always retrospectively grateful for them and the One who changes the light from yellow to red. Its time to step on the brake, gain some perspective, change the radio station, roll down the windows...and find JOY while im stopped at an unexpected red light.

It isn't the middle of the night,
it isn't even raining outside,
it isn't exactly what I had in mind

Im at a red light,
in the sunshine,
on a sunday,
nothing to say, dont even try.
some are coming home,
some are leaving town,
while my world crashing down,
on a Sunday,
in the sunshine,
at a red light.

Theres a momma calming down a baby in the backseat, in front of me,
Theres an old man dressed in his sunday best just waiting on green,
but I want to get past...

This red light,
in the sunshine,
on a sunday,
nothing to say, dont even try.
some are coming home,
some are leaving town,
while my worlds crashing down,
on a sunday... in the sunshine ...at a red light.

Let Him

Learning a few big lessons in my life as of late. Well, let me be clear… this is not the first time these lessons have been presented to me, but lets face it: some lessons in life require lots of time to learn. Thank goodness that my Teacher has divine patience in my delayed learning curve.

I struggle with the need to take action, fix things, and clinging to a sense of control. Along with this, I have a very analytical, reflective mind that seeks answers. I do not sit well with not knowing, understanding or an inability to come to concrete conclusions. I see these attributes of myself as “strength-weaknesses” A wise friend once told me that an unguarded strength is a double weakness, and it is SO true. All of these traits can be strengths when kept in check, but in certain areas of my life these things have presented challenges. The two main intersecting areas: my faith and my work as a therapist. These are big, central aspects of myself that require me to embrace tension daily. It is not my job to “fix” or know the answer. Although society and western culture tells me that the definition of success lies in results and outcome; God tells me that success is found in Him. It is my job to come alongside people in their struggles, be fully present and know that each moment is part of God’s grand overarching story.

I’m working on letting God be bigger; much, MUCH bigger than me. It is my daily goal to harbor a Kingdom perspective, and know that my gifts are being used for His ultimate good. My work, school, and relationships (pretty much every aspect of my life) cannot be lived abundantly unless His power is continually being made perfect in my weakness.

Ellen brings me joy!

Ok, confession... I love watching Ellen! she is hilarious and she is over 50 and can still bust a move! fast forward a little to get to her dance... being Ellen for halloween would be a hoot!

Im Back.... take 2??? :)

Ok, I really do want to blog! life gets a little crazy; but, no excuses... this is something I enjoy, so I am going to make time for it. This is an excerpt from Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. Thought provoking... great imagery, beautifully written.

"It's a living book, this life; it folds out in a million settings, cast with a billion beautiful characters, and it is almost over for you. It doesn't matter how old you are; it is coming to a close quickly, and soon the credits will roll and all your friends will fold out of your funeral and drive back to their homes in cold and still and silence. And they will make a fire and pour some wine and think about how you once were....and feel a kind of sickness at the idea you never again will be.

So soon you will be in that part of the book where you are holding the bulk of the pages in your left hand, and only a thin wisp of the story in your right. You will know by the page count, not by the narrative, that the Author is wrapping things up. You begin to mourn its ending, and want to pace yourself slowly toward its closure, knowing the last lines will speak of something beautiful, of the end of something long and earned, and you hope the thing closes out like last breaths, like whispers about how much and who the characters have come to love, and how authentic the sentiments feel when they have earned a hundred pages of qualification.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."

I'm Back

Welp, I haven’t blogged in a while… and it has been a pretty eventful 2 months comprised of:

Celebrating, grieving, weddings, goodbyes, reunions, training, interviewing, marathoning, straight talking, listening, praying, writing, public speaking (ahhh), meeting, laughing, crying, remembering, studying, contemplating, bonding, stumbling, rising, loving, growing, and LEARNING.

Through it all, I have seen that God plants seeds that often go unnoticed until He decides to reveal what has grown with His perfect timing and blessing. I have also become aware of seeds that He has planted in my life that still need watering, T.L.C and patience. I know I have the tendency to neglect some seeds, especially if I think they won’t be growing into something I like. (there is a scary thought…) But God has a way of keeping me attentive to these seeds and reminding me of their importance. “For I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…” (Philippians 1:6) I’m embracing and respecting the beautiful “processes” of life events and keeping myself open & in full trust that God knows what these seeds will grow to be.

So that’s a brief thematic synopsis of my life in the past months… more fun stories, pictures, updates, and contemplations to come!

Reunited!

The beautiful girl you see in the bright blue shirt over there ------> is my amazing friend Erin. I am overjoyed because she is finally moving back to seattle! I have missed her sooooo much. Watch out, the Homies have been reunited! Welcome back Erin :)

watch more than once!

The story of Jesus talking with the Samaritan woman at the well is in John 4.

Youthful Idealism or Living Hope?

A friend shared this quote with me, and I love it : "I am not realistic. I never want to be realistic. God save us all from realism, especially if it means we have to limit our vision for the world. "

At work, we are all about the power of goal setting. It is an amazing discipline that keeps you re-examining your life and keeps your big visions on track. There is one type of goal that we are encouraged to set. This goal is called a B.H.A.G (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) and is meant to stretch you beyond your realm of what you think is possible. Does anyone truly aspire to attain mediocrity? I think if we are honest with ourselves, the answer is a resounding “NO!” As children we are confident that greatness is attainable. We live with unbound dreams and aspirations of being great. I am wondering why coming of age sometimes squelches dreams? If we aren’t careful, we loose childlike innocence and begin to settle for mediocrity. One might say that this return to realism is a part of maturing and growing up, but I have realized that settling kills the soul. I strongly believe that a lack of hope produces the same death within us. Without hope, our vision for the world rests in apathetic mediocrity. Everything rides on hope. It is living hope that spurs us on. Recently, my hope and my joy have been renewed.

I was sitting with my roommate tonight catching up on the events of our day and swapping stories. I found myself laughing, simply laughing and feeling so blessed. Granted, it was absolutely beautiful in Seattle today…75 degrees, sunny and not a cloud in the sky, (we all know that sun makes people happier) but I am going to say that this unexplainable joy is from God. There is a deep joy coming up from the pit of my stomach. My heart is happy. I am experiencing peace. Now let me be clear that my life is by NO means perfect. My life still consists of daily struggles, challenges and unknowns. In fact, the past month has been kinda tough and my future is quite uncertain…but right now I am allowing this peace to sink deep into my bones and letting this joy emerge. It’s a beautiful state to be in, and I believe it is a blessing from His Spirit. Although I have no idea what the future holds, I have an unrelenting hope and peace that comes from knowing that I am not in control.

Bare with me as I try to put my feelings into words... I've been hit in the face with the truth that Christ's redemption is so much more beautiful than perfection. Its amazing… I have seen a lot of things and heard a lot of stories that have hurt my heart and brought me to tears, but nonetheless this feeling of joyful hope persists in the midst of all of life's crap. Some may dismiss this as youthful idealism (and they have..) and maybe even naiivete about the nature of the world, but I don’t see it this way. It is not like I am seeing the world with rose colored glasses and choosing to ignore the bad stuff, but it is more like God has defined my calling to serve in the midst of brokenness and provided deep assurance that He’s got it all taken care of. He is redeeming constantly. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is GOOD. Jesus help the world to radically encounter the joy and hope that only You can give. Help me to forever cling to your Living Hope and let the joy you have given me be contagious. I give my desires and my BHAG’s to You Father knowing that you are in control and that your timing is perfect. Thank you for your faithfulness and for blessing my life beyond measure.

Some JOYFUL music FOR YOU ... here is one more GOOD ONE

13.1 miles... no biggie! haha

I just registered and started training for my first half marathon! ahhhh!! Im going to be running in the Seattle Rock n' Roll on June 27th. Its a pretty cool race because there is a new band playing every mile of the race, and there is a concert at the end. I just finished my first week of training, and besides some really sore calves, I would say its going well.

Training for an endurance event is like nothing I have ever done. I was a volleyball player in college, which involved a lot of anaerobic training. My body was trained for high intensity movements lasting a SHORT period of time (e.g jumping, quickness, agility, sprinting) Long distance running is a different story, and I am pretty sure that my vertical jump will decrease a lot in my preparation for this event :)

My "long" run this week was 7 miles... took me 1 hr. 4 min, not bad. My goal is to run an average of 8 min 30 sec. miles so I've got some improving to do! The scariest part of finishing my long run this week was that I was pretty dang tired by the end, and 7 miles is just over half the distance of the full race!

Nonetheless, I am absolutely loving this challenge! All of my marathon running friends and co-workers have helped me design an awesome training plan to rock the rock and roll ;) Bring it on week 2!

LOVE

“There has never been a greater love,
Than Your Son; no not one
And there will never be a greater love
No not one” - Brandon Heath

Here is an excerpt from Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus on love:
“We are created to know God and to know love. It is love that moves God toward us and love that pulls us toward him. Love is the beginning of all things. From the very beginning you were made for love. It may be hard to accept, but you are the object of God’s love. You were created out of love by him, and though you may not yet realize it, you soul longs to know this love. You are designed to love and to be loved. Our search for intimacy explains our need for community, relationship, friendship and acceptance; it is expressed most deeply in our need for romantic love. We are created to know love and to give love. Our need to love though rooted in God, is not limited to him. Love is not a limited commodity. Love expands as we give it away, and dies when we do not.
Without love there is no life. To love is to be fully human.”

Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don't

When my heart won't make a sound
When I can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

So if everything comes down to love, what am I so afraid of? Maybe not so much scared, but hesitant… I know God’s love, but something in me is being held in. Father, thank you that Your love sets me free. Help me to shake my hesitations. I pray that your abundant, redeeming love is known by all. Help me to reflect and pass on this great love that you have given me in all I do.

The good stuff

I love growing pains, and I fear complacency. It is my constant prayer that I never reach a point of complacency in my life. This season of Lent has stretched me. I am so thankful that through the challenges of this season that so much in me has been renewed. Instead of giving up chocolate, I gave up human approval for Lent. Hindsight tells me that chocolate would have been much easier ☺, but in sacrificing this God has taught me more than I could have imagined…maybe more for a later blog…

Today I was reminded that there is great strength in sitting still. It is hard to just be. It is hard to wait. But, I have learned that my plans pale in comparison to the intricately beautiful vision God has for my life.He blesses in ways we could never imagine. What a beautiful freedom to know that life doesn’t come from our striving; but that all of life is provided to us by God. I am letting grace absolutely drown me. It is shaking my soul and raising me up. God is good.

love this, listen here

Palm Sunday Thoughts

Jesus wept as he entered the city of Jerusalem. While the crowds shouted, "Hosanna!" and praised in jubilation, Jesus says, "if you, even you had only known on this day what would bring you peace-but now it is hidden from your eyes." (Luke 19:42)

The crowds were elated with their coming Messiah and Jesus wept over Jerusalem's impending wounds and destruction. While the people celebrated, Jesus' heart broke in compassion and tenderness. This is a matter of human vs divine perspective to me. What I see, what I hope for, what I think I know is all finite. It is my prayer that my eyes are opened to things unseen. Jesus show me how to love like you, break my heart for what breaks Yours. Help me to know the things that make for peace.

This song so perfectly just started playing on my itunes- "King of the Jew's by Rita Springer.... so good.

Father the time has come when I know that I must leave
Through this sweat and blood and these tears,
Your face I soon will see
Give me strength to be betrayed tonight,
Father defend me and maintain what I have said
As they spit upon me now, crush these thorns into my head
Hear an angry crowd call, “crucify!”

King of the Jews
Carry your cross
Save yourself if you are who you say you are
King of the Jews, unrecognized
Did we hear you say that you would rise?
Sign above your head they all knew
King of the Jews

Father please forgive them,
for they know not what they do
and as these nails go through my hands,
may I feel what they feel too
lost, alone, afraid, in fear of the truth
Father into your hands
I now set my spirit free
and with my head I bow to Your authority

King of the Jews, carry my cross
cause I believe you are who you say you are
The sign above His head still speaks the truth
Still to this day it reads
King of the Jews

Pretty Sweet

My graduate faculty is AMAZING... higher standards with a higher purpose. Check it out
HERE

Defrocked! This will make you think...

Ok, I was first exposed to this news via a friends blog, but I just had to post it on my blog too. (Thanks PB :)

This article is so interesting to me! It is common to witness subjectivity about God, and to hear people profess that the paths to God are many; but I have never heard this declared so specifically between two religions. The quote, "I need bifocals" made me think. This statement implies that Christ is not enough, and that she is at peace only after integrating Islam.
Interesting that she claims that Christianity and Islam "illuminate" each other. It is my prayer that Christ emerges as the only Light for her.


Read it! Whaddaya think?
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/02/muslim.minister.defrocked/index.html

Perfectly Unexpected:

The past week has been filled with reminders of the blessings of friends in my life. It has been a time filled with reunions, breakdowns, surprises, celebrating, grieving, remembering, building, and gratefulness. We have all had those moments where you look back on a time and see how perfectly individual events were weaved together. There have been many of these moments, and it has rocked me.

I have found that there are friends of the road, and friends of the heart. There are people who you are friends with for only a season in your life, and these friends of the road come and go. Then there are friends of the heart. These people have enduring and invaluable presence in your life. This week was awesome because I was reunited with friends that I had previously dismissed as friends of the road. These former friends turned out to be true friends of the heart. The coolest thing about this was the realization that every person placed in my life had been placed with intention and purpose; intention and purpose that I could have never imagined. I have been blessed by an unexpected, unpredictable re-emergence of divinely placed friendships.

The truth that we are created to be in relationship was strongly re-affirmed. In the midst of joy and pain this week, I have witnessed God working through the intricacies of my friendships. I have learned hard lessons, been challenged, and refined. I have been called to love in ways that are difficult, but necessary. Most importantly, the works of God’s perfect orchestration have been made evident and point to His abundant love.

Me...A blogger?? hmmm...

Not really sure why i decided to start a blog.  I'm not an eloquent writer and I'm not exactly sure who will want to read my ramblings; but, I know this blog will be something real...unedited, imperfect, sometimes deep, sometimes silly, outspoken, reflective and undoubtedly "me".  I will write what is on my heart. SO here it goes... Am I a blogger? We shall see...